Life I Know

Hello Ladies,



So I know I have been away for a while and I have come to the conclusion that I am a sporadic writer. When something hits me deep in my spirit or soul I have to take a moment to write it out cause writing is my therapy. This blog is just a bunch of thoughts that were going through my head one day as I was having an emotional day or should I say couple of days. Usually I can shake it off and pray and then feel fine but these things have been beating me to my core for some time now. Any who here goes!!! (Cue music, please!!! This song has so much meaning to what I have been feeling.)

To walk around every day wondering aimlessly in a world that’s so cold but still able to be a light of hope and encouragement to others who endure so much pain and emotions. But I look in the mirror and ask myself what about your secret pain, the tears, the fears that you endure. No one knows cause often people are so consumed with their stuff that you walk in this life alone, not alone in the spirit per say but alone without someone walking beside you, holding your hand, building you up. You wonder is this what my life is going to be. The loneliness that plagues me every day that sometimes seems like I am gone be paralyzed and stuck. Stuck with no one to call my own, with no one to share my deepest thoughts, no one to pat me on the back to say everything is ok and I got you, no one to reassure me that I’m just fine and the struggles are a part of life, no one to recognize my calling and who I really are, how he (God) sees me to build me up and help me cultivate those gifts that lie dormant inside of me. Is this the life that I know?

Is this the life that I know that friendships that lasted for years on end are now over within a blink of an eye. To admire someone so much, look up to them and in some ways want to follow in their footsteps due to seeing all the Greatness inside of them. Even though knowing God has paved your own path and destiny. The brokenness of knowing in your heart you tried to mend it and do all you could do with no explanation of what was really wrong. I was told by a dear cousin of mine that “some people are placed in your life for a reason; a season and a lifetime so never mix seasonal people with lifetime expectations.” But for me I guess I never thought that season would end and now be a distance and painful memory.

Is this the life I know to be working in an environment where I have to self-medicate to stop all the anxiety from overwhelming me and having me feeling like I’m drowning and going nowhere fast. To be under the authority of someone that clearly doesn’t like those of my ethnicity. And for them to be so crooked and shady in the things that they do is very disheartening. I know that there is better in store but in the meantime how do you continue to endure in the midst of adversity. Knowing that a person wants to break you in every way they can and cause you to stumble. One good thing is I know the power of prayer and I keep my oil on deck to combat the evil and wiles of the enemy that wants to devour me.

Is this the life I know that I tell myself I don’t want to have kids out of fear of the unknown. Not knowing if I will ever have true love with an Amazing husband and becoming the loving, nurturing and spiritual mother that will speak and catapult my child into their destiny. Fears of wondering if there will be challenges during pregnancy or birth defects because I am now up in age. I know everyone tells me I’m tripping and that I must trust God but you know that human aspect always kicks in and wonders of what’s really going to happen. The fact that the world now is so crazy and not the same as when I was coming up. And living with the fact that I will have to worry about their safety day to day. Is this the life I know?

I said all that to say this just because a person walks around with a smile on their face and always seeming happy don’t be fooled or surprised to know that there are people out here that are hurting and dealing with some heavy things, things way heavier than my own stuff. The most anointed and spiritual person you know goes through constant struggles and battles within themselves but have to save face and still be a light to others that endure more than the next. At the end of the day all I’m saying is to continue to display love  towards a person and if a person seems down and going through rather than ask what’s wrong just offer your prayers cause most of the time they just can’t find the word’s to say exactly what’s on their heart. Remember that Worth It, YOU are!!!