PORN pays the BILLS!!!

Hello Blessed Ladies,

Have any of you ever contemplated or played with the idea of pornography?  Well, for me this thought came to mind a few months back.  Allow me to take you into my world and into my thoughts.  After being here in Cali for 5 months, my mind was really messed up because I was enduring so much struggle just to be here.  I was sleeping on an air mattress that started to deflate as well as using other peoples blankets to keep warm,because I had a light bill that was over $500 due to the fact that I was running my heat, had roaches, facing eviction from my apartment, was not working as much with my freelance job and the search for a job was very discouraging due to the lack of employment here in LA.  I feared that the thought of seriously doing porn would become my reality because I already struggled with this thought before I even left Little Rock.  I knew Los Angeles was the porn capitol and began thinking, "ok, if all fails, I can just become a PORN STAR."  I knew I moved to LA on a "faith" but I never knew that the journey ahead of me would have been as hard as it was.  As I sat in my then apartment one night, I recalled listening to the song "Im Still Here" by Dorinda Clark Cole and wrote this note (thoughts) to myself as I had tears running down my face.  It read:

Some years ago God gave me vision. That vision was to uproot my life and move away.  Not knowing what was to come and riding on the words that had been spoken into my life that the Spirit of Esther was all around, no one said it would be easy and that my faith would be tried and tested.  In this very moment of my life, I am feeling the wrath and the devouring spirit of the enemy that tries to hover over me telling me the only way to my destiny is to turn to a life of pornography.  "It would be so easy because you love sex more than you actually love yourself so why not get paid; at least that way all your ends will be met and your parents won't ever have to say anything because you can hide what you are really doing.  They have nothing but negative things to say anyway so why not make all the negatives a reality." 

You search and seek for something that is not tangible but the only thing that is ever present is God's love.  You live a life of fear, regret, doubt, broken heartedness just to feel like your at a dead end-road with nowhere to go, but the feelings of wanting to die seem so much sweeter.  At least that way no more worries about the future or letting anyone down  but to be resting in the bosom of Jesus would be so much better.  But as I sit here and listen to the words of "Im Still Here," I know there is a purpose for all that I am going through.  Like the words say ''in the midst of it all, Im still here and it's by the grace of God!!!"

So after writing this and having a talk with my dad, he said something to me that really tripped me out.  He knew how hard it had been for me since I took the leap of faith to come out here but he said, as we had a convo about money, that he was afraid that he was going to find me in San Fernando Valley and I was thinking to myself omg, where did he get that from?  I was so baffled by this because that is where all porn usually takes place.  I was thinking, "dang, did I really give off that vibe that  I was at the end of my rope and that was my next option?  OMG!!!" 

I wrote all this to say...don't allow your current or present situation make you detour from the destiny, plan or purpose God has for you.  Its so easy to get caught up in what's going on around you that it will have you enslaved to your thoughts and not what you are really supposed to be doing.  I just "knew" I made a mistake of coming out here because I was like, "it's not suppose to be this hard!" but that is a lie. Whenever you start operating and moving in destiny and purpose, the road will seem much tougher.  What I learned at the end of the day was more about Selina and how to truly depend of God.  

So I admonish you to cast your cares on him; every doubt, fear, insecurity, hurt, mind battle, etc and he will bring you out and give you the desires of your heart.   Don't follow through with the enemy's attack on your mind because it will leave you feeling lifeless and in dispair.  Please recognize and know your WORTH and dont allow anyone or anything to take that from you.  Continue to be blessed and be a blessing and also scream i am Worth it!!!!