Hi Ladies,
OK just sitting here at work thinking about the events of my life and all that has taken place in my transition to Cali. Let me take you through the course of things that had taken place. I remember I touched down in Houston, TX on Sept. 26 on my way to California when I ran into the most handsome Light Bright Man, lol I had ever seen and we sat and ate Wendy’s together and talked for a while just long enough for me to find out that he does a lot of business in and out of LA (which was where I was going). So we exchanged numbers quite naturally and I went about my way. We would sporadically text from time to time but nothing in depth just Hi’s. Til one day he called me up and was like I'm in town, “let’s get together.” All I could think was OK great. I have been here in this apartment lonely and finally some male company. YES!!! We got together that same day and hung out. I met him at his hotel room and from there we left and went to the Hollywood Bowl and ate at Johnny Rockets, we walked around the Hollywood strip for a while and I believe we went somewhere else but nothing major. So after that we went back to the hotel and went to the bar and had a few drinks and shared a couple laughs, talked and just chilled. We had gone back to the room and needless to say one thing lead to another and you know the rest. All I could think after the events was “really Selina did you do this again." "NO!!!” I had been celibate 7mths at that time just to risk it all for the sake of getting a temporary fix to my emotional situation which was the fact that I was lonely. I recall laying there and I had to pull out my journal and write this cause this was just what I was feeling at that moment.
“Ok so I just had an epiphany, Why is it when we are lonely we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and end up doing things in the end that we ultimately are ashamed of? We want what we want so badly that often times we tend to lower our standards just to feel wanted or better yet needed, knowing that there is nothing there but this physical thrill that stimulates the body but in the end you are left feeling empty.”
Now you know from that day forward we no longer communicated because the respect he may have had was out the door. No man will ever take you seriously really if you lay with him that easily and that fast. So from that day forward I made a vow to myself and not only myself but to God that never again will I turn back and break my celibacy. We as women get so caught up in being lonely because we don’t have the tangible (which is a man) because the fact that God is intangible just doesn’t seem good enough. We can hear all day long trust God, cast your cares; for he cares for you and he will give you the desires of your heart just to play like we are really reciting, quoting and believing these words but your flesh just gets to talking and getting the better of you. I admonish you that in spite of where you are emotionally don’t give up on God and lose yourself for a temporary fix of not having a man to be with. I'm preaching to myself when I say this cause this is a constant struggle for me and those that talk to me on a regular know this cause I get so caught up on who’s getting married, had a baby and is or seems to be happy in a relationship. Realize that if you are seeking after God and are in the middle of destiny and purpose the enemy will throw every distraction he can to keep you from reaching your full potential. I can gladly say that I will be celebrating a year of Celibacy in October and it feels really good and it feels even better when you realize that you are Fearfully and Wonderfully made, a Royal Priesthood and that you don’t have to lay and play just to feel wanted. I can just go to God to fill the empty spaces. And I want to encourage you to know that you can do it too. MAKE THE DECISION and watch God work in ways like never before because you made the vow not only to him but yourself. The reward he gives is far greater than a cheap Johnny Rockets burger and a few drinks. You are WORTH so much more than that. So say it with me, I AM WORTH IT!!!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your testimony!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love your transparency in this posting sissy. Thank you for sharing. I know what it feels like to break your celibacy. I broke mine of 8 years almost 5 years ago. ;-( I celebrated 3 years this year. Stay encouraged and keep writing. Loving how worth it you are showing yourself to be...and reminding us of how worth it we are!!!! kisses.
ReplyDeleteLove this! I'm working on me for 2 months now. I'm dating one person and I have had this long conversation with him. It's hard for him but he truly understands where I am coming from.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. I feel that I'm the only one going through certain things sometimes and lately God has put people in my life who I can relate to and he shows me that I'm not alone there are others who are dealing with the same issues. So thank you again, this is so encouraging!!!
ReplyDeleteThis, I have to say, is astounding. As well as your other blogs (I've read every last one). I've also taken the time to read a majority of the comments and I couldn't help but make connections. Too many of us, and I hate to say it, "us" as in African American or black females, whichever, share too much of a commonality in these areas (topics of your blogs). All this to say, it's sad when we're unwillingly birthed or caught in situations we can't always help that eventually leaves us with the stamp "STEREOTYPE." But glory be to God that it doesn't matter how we start but it's how we finish. I can relate and I understand many of your struggles. So, just as you've encouraged me... I encourage you. To keep pressing and to keep fighting the good fight of faith. For you and your destiny are worth it. Love you, boo (;
ReplyDeletePS- keep letting the Lord use you through your blogs (ministry). Be blessed!