Pregnant, I Can't Be!!!

Hey Ladies,

Ok, this topic that I want to discuss is in reference to something that happened in my past years ago and for some reason or another God has really been putting it on my heart to speak about it.  You know the first step to getting through and healing from a situation you have to be willing to share your story and one thing you Ladies know is that I don’t have a problem exposing myself.  I want to give a disclaimer now before I even go into it and apologize to any of you if this happens to offend you.

So let me take you back to the year 2000.  I was in my senior year of high school and I believe it may have been April when I decided I was going to go to our schools Wellness Clinic to get on Birth Control again.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I went and spoke with Mrs.  Mitchell that was at the front desk and said I needed to see the doctor.  She called me back and I remember telling her what I wanted and she was like “well first let’s do a pregnancy test to make sure you’re not pregnant  before you start your pills back up. “  When the results came back she told me “Selina, you’re pregnant!!!”   I was like “WHAT?”  She took me into a private room and pulled out this little circular card that gave you the dates when your baby would be due.   I was due in January.  All I could think as I sat there and cried was my mama is going to kill me.  I left out in total shock- sad and upset with just so many emotions that I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I remember calling my boyfriend at the time and telling him and we both acted like we were both shocked as if we didn’t realize that we hadn’t been using protection.  You know as a teenager you just act so invincible and like you know more than your parents or any adult knows so you just DO YOU.  And we were doing us and ended up in a grown up situation and not knowing what we were going to do. 

 I cried so much and never did I once tell my mom about the whole thing because she put a fear in me before that happened.   I told my best friend of course and went to her house and just cried and her mom was there for me, letting me know everything was going to be ok.  The crazy thing was I was in such disbelief that I had gone back and gotten another test done to make sure and again she said “Selina, you are Pregnant.”  I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it.  What was I going to do with a baby and I knew I had so much I wanted to do in life and accomplish so I knew I had a decision to make.  Do I keep this baby growing inside me or do I get rid of it?  I struggled so badly with this but I knew this was a responsibility that neither I nor my boyfriend were ready for.  We felt responsible enough to do the do but not responsible enough to be parents.   All I could think is ok, how am I going to pay for it,  but I had just started a job at Puff’s so I was like that check will have to go straight on it.  My boyfriend had to ask for the money from his uncle.  This decision was a hard one but I knew it was the best for ME at the time. 

So time went on.  My belly continued to grow bigger.  I had made the arrangements with the clinic to do the procedure.  My mom continuously asked if I was pregnant and all I could say was NO.  She knew what was really going on because she paid attention to my periods for some reason.  I remember it was the night of May 12, my Senior Prom and man when I put that dress on, all you could see was this pudgy round belly through the dress.  I just hoped that my parents didn’t pay attention because my appointment was that week.   So I went about my Prom night taking all these pictures at home with my best friend and boyfriend.  It was really awkward because of the secret that we were all trying to hide.  We set out to prom; we started out at PV’s prom because that is where my then boo went to school and then went on over to the Best school in Little Rock, Little Rock Central’s prom.  I tried to play it off all night but I was so tired and sleepy.  I just wanted to get somewhere and laydown.  It was very uncomfortable and part of me was a shame because I was keeping this secret and felt I really couldn’t tell anyone about it. 

The night ended and I awaited the time to come on that Wednesday, May 17^th,  when my pregnancy would finally be terminated and I could get back to normal and kick it like I was use too doing.  My disclaimer again -- I apologize if this offends anyone but this was just my mentality and reality at that time.  Shoot I was 18!!!  The day came and I was so nervous.  My best friend took me since the boo had to take his final exams in order for him to graduate.  I arrived at the place and it looked really nice inside compared to what I pictured in my head.  I just knew I was going to walk into a psych ward looking place.  The lady checked me in and asked for the money.  I gave her everything and I just sat there and waited for them to call me back.  My name was called and the walk to the back was a long one because I was so nervous.  They took my vitals and then told me to put on this gown so I could get an ultrasound done before they did the procedure.  Walking into that room for the ultrasound was nerve racking.  All I could think is I really don’t want them to do this ultra sound; I just want them to go ahead and do what they have to do so I could go home.  I laid there on the table and she started the ultrasound and told me at that time I was already 3 months and to see this embryo on the screen didn’t make it any easier but I knew I had to do it because I couldn’t raise a baby.  After that, they took me into this counseling room and sat me down and left me there to think about what I was about to do.  I was to make a real life big girl decision, to go through with it or not.  In my mind I was confused but I just had to do it. 

The nurse came back and asked, “So Selina, what’s your decision?”  I responded, “Imma go ahead and get it done.”  She took me into the procedure room and it looked like I had just walked into my doom.  There was the table like at the Gyno ‘s office so I got on it and laid back as the Doc was asking me questions and telling me what was going to take place.  The nurse put the gas mask over my nose because I didn’t want to get the IV.   I figured this would be the last and only time I would ever do this so I wanted to almost torture myself by staying awake and seeing what was happening to my body.  As I sit here and relive this moment in my mind my heart starts to break and tears start to well up.  Ok, let me get my composure!!!  Oooo, ok; I’m back.  So I hear the machine come on and the procedure starts, the pain and torture are excruciating as I can tell and feel that they are ripping away at my insides and this innocent life that had no chance to even enter into this world.  (Tears flowing)  I literally came up off that table and I can remember hearing the nurse saying “its ok Honey just lay back; it will be over soon just relax.”  Relax; my freaking body was being dismembered almost.  Ok I don’t think I realized how intense it would be to relive or type this but I’m just obeying God and what he asked for me to expose to help the other young ladies that have experienced this and have not dealt with it. 

So it was over finally.  I was taken to a recovery area to sit for a while before I was released to go back home.  My best friend had come back there and sat with me.  I’m not sure if much was said after it, matter of fact I just called her to ask how I reacted.  She said that I just cried and cried so much till I fell asleep.

 Ok so with all this being said here’s the reason why I’m bringing this up now.  I’m sure that there maybe a few of you ladies out there that have or know someone who lives with the guilt or hurt from undergoing this procedure.  I want you to know that it’s going to be ok and you are not alone.  We all have secrets that we hide and ultimately are afraid to expose but I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to let it out and let it go.  God knows and he sees and he also understands ‘WHY’ you may have made the decision that you did.  He is a forgiving God but one thing WE must do is forgive ourselves first. 

I remember it was a few years ago and I had to play this part in a production my sister put on and the part that I had to play was a woman that had an abortion.  I couldn’t understand for the life of me why I had to play this part but after a while it became evident that God wanted me to deal with it.  I had placed that situation so far back in my mind and planned to never have to relive it again but Boy was I wrong.  In playing this part I was responsible for writing my own lines.  The scene was dark and scary as I sat there at the edge of the stage with a wild wig on, a white sheet on that was filled with blood and a demon that was torturing me with this baby in his hand.  I remember just crying, hollering and screaming at the top of my lungs trying to get away from this thing that had been haunting me.  It wasn’t until that very moment that I realized I needed a healing to take place so that I could move on and past that very situation.  It hurt me to my core as I played that part and said my lines, the tears just streamed down my face but I also noticed in that moment that God was healing me and making me whole in that area.  So ladies I admonish you whatever you have to do, acknowledge that thing head to head and deal with it so you can move on from it and enjoy your life and the kids you may already have.  Don’t allow the pain from the guilt you may feel from having done this to keep you consumed or even allow you to think (for those that haven’t had kids yet like myself) that it is not possible to have a baby because you may feel like a bad person having had done this.  Know that you are forgiven and it is time to move on and start living life.  God is going to bless you with everything you need even that family that you have always imagined having.  I am speaking to myself as I say this cause I would be remised if I said that I don’t still think about the idea of not being able to have the family I so desire.  You know the enemy always comes in and tries to plant seeds of doubt, but My God said it’s possible.   I encourage you Ladies to know that everything is ok and God loves you and forgives you.  We are going to get through this together because I’m in your corner and I am praying for the healing to start to take place. Please know that in spite of that, you are still Worth it!!!