"Our Father who art in Heaven hallowed would be thy name."
Are you wondering why I underlined Father well a wise man once said that its hard to really have a committed relationship with the Father if your natural Father really wasn't around. You lack consistency with reading the word because there was no consistency with your Father. (I'm paraphrasing) And you know what at first I couldn't quite understand that but then a light bulb went off and I had finally got it.
Let me take you on a journey,
I remember it like it was yesterday I was at Ms. Nickel's house, (my then babysitter) and I was in the backyard playing with the rest of the kids, I had to be about 3 years old. When I saw the first man that I had ever laid eyes on walking up the alley way. I believe I was so excited because from what I hear I was a daddy's girl. My daddy called me to the metal fence and told me that he loved me and gave me a kiss and proceeded to walk away and from that day forward I believe my life has never been quite the same. There I was watching him walk away, thinking in my little mind that I was gone see him when I got home but for years there was no trace of the man that left me standing there in the backyard. (here comes the tears) Years went by I would talk to him occasionally whenever I would go to his mothers house but never got a chance to see his face all I could hear was his voice. (Doesn't it almost remind you of Jesus. You cant see his face but you can hear his voice.) I believe this shaped who I am and how my journey through life has been full of challenges, inconsistency and inadequacies. Now I did have a man in my life that was too take the place of my Father, he was great but he just wasn't Daddy. This man was strong, a provider but lacked the capacity to love me and nurture me in away that a young girl should receive. He was a workaholic so the only time I would really see his face was early morning before school and about 9 at night when he would get home. (Not much consistency!!!) I use to try and stay up at night so that I could get a moment with him just to shoot the breeze but he would be so tired and I would have to go to bed at the time he got off. But the times that I did have with him to talk were special. I remember it was my Sweet 16, I had the biggest party and the next day I was to meet the man that was my Father. I believe I was so nervous and really didn't want to do it but Mama said I should. I thought to myself what do I call him. I know not daddy cause I don't call my daddy (step dad) that. For some reason I couldn't and still cant formulate my mouth to even say the word. (Inconsistency) I guess the day went pretty well but after that I think we may have talked occasionally as we did when I was a kid. I could have talked to him more but I felt like why bother I got my daddy (my step dad) and this man was just my Father. To me Father was a derogatory term meaning sperm donor and that is how I viewed him. I didn't want to have anything to do with him because I felt let down and I also felt I wasn't good enough for him since he left me. I wanted him to feel that pain that I did. As life went on and I got into church and tried to be active, I remember being HOT and COLD for God and somehow I couldn't fully get it right. I knew that I was anointed but due to my lack of consistency I just played with God and just entertained everything that went against his will for my life. I went through a long period of wanting to be wanted or more or less needed by a man to help fill the void of what I ultimately was missing. Therefore I entertained the bad relationships, the misuse of my body and the lowering of my self worth. I allowed so many things to happen to me for the lack of my dad not being around to tell me, "Baby, you don't have to allow this to happen or that to happen to you because your daddy is going to protect you and show you how you are really suppose to be loved." Now that I have gotten older and have finally decided to walk in the will of God I knew that I had to do something different and in order for me to really have this relationship with the FATHER I had to have him help me to get it right with my natural Father. This has been a tough journey ahead but I can now say that I am so grateful that I allowed myself to open up and really experience this man that is my Father. I can say no longer do I look at him through the eyes that I saw him at first because I can say now I'm starting to know him and understand who he is. We're alot alike!!! :) I admonish you ladies that whatever your Father may have lacked or did to get it right. You will not be doing it for him but for yourself and this will help you receive the healing you need to move forward. No the road ahead is not going be easy but one things for sure it will all be Worth it.
I remember it like it was yesterday I was at Ms. Nickel's house, (my then babysitter) and I was in the backyard playing with the rest of the kids, I had to be about 3 years old. When I saw the first man that I had ever laid eyes on walking up the alley way. I believe I was so excited because from what I hear I was a daddy's girl. My daddy called me to the metal fence and told me that he loved me and gave me a kiss and proceeded to walk away and from that day forward I believe my life has never been quite the same. There I was watching him walk away, thinking in my little mind that I was gone see him when I got home but for years there was no trace of the man that left me standing there in the backyard. (here comes the tears) Years went by I would talk to him occasionally whenever I would go to his mothers house but never got a chance to see his face all I could hear was his voice. (Doesn't it almost remind you of Jesus. You cant see his face but you can hear his voice.) I believe this shaped who I am and how my journey through life has been full of challenges, inconsistency and inadequacies. Now I did have a man in my life that was too take the place of my Father, he was great but he just wasn't Daddy. This man was strong, a provider but lacked the capacity to love me and nurture me in away that a young girl should receive. He was a workaholic so the only time I would really see his face was early morning before school and about 9 at night when he would get home. (Not much consistency!!!) I use to try and stay up at night so that I could get a moment with him just to shoot the breeze but he would be so tired and I would have to go to bed at the time he got off. But the times that I did have with him to talk were special. I remember it was my Sweet 16, I had the biggest party and the next day I was to meet the man that was my Father. I believe I was so nervous and really didn't want to do it but Mama said I should. I thought to myself what do I call him. I know not daddy cause I don't call my daddy (step dad) that. For some reason I couldn't and still cant formulate my mouth to even say the word. (Inconsistency) I guess the day went pretty well but after that I think we may have talked occasionally as we did when I was a kid. I could have talked to him more but I felt like why bother I got my daddy (my step dad) and this man was just my Father. To me Father was a derogatory term meaning sperm donor and that is how I viewed him. I didn't want to have anything to do with him because I felt let down and I also felt I wasn't good enough for him since he left me. I wanted him to feel that pain that I did. As life went on and I got into church and tried to be active, I remember being HOT and COLD for God and somehow I couldn't fully get it right. I knew that I was anointed but due to my lack of consistency I just played with God and just entertained everything that went against his will for my life. I went through a long period of wanting to be wanted or more or less needed by a man to help fill the void of what I ultimately was missing. Therefore I entertained the bad relationships, the misuse of my body and the lowering of my self worth. I allowed so many things to happen to me for the lack of my dad not being around to tell me, "Baby, you don't have to allow this to happen or that to happen to you because your daddy is going to protect you and show you how you are really suppose to be loved." Now that I have gotten older and have finally decided to walk in the will of God I knew that I had to do something different and in order for me to really have this relationship with the FATHER I had to have him help me to get it right with my natural Father. This has been a tough journey ahead but I can now say that I am so grateful that I allowed myself to open up and really experience this man that is my Father. I can say no longer do I look at him through the eyes that I saw him at first because I can say now I'm starting to know him and understand who he is. We're alot alike!!! :) I admonish you ladies that whatever your Father may have lacked or did to get it right. You will not be doing it for him but for yourself and this will help you receive the healing you need to move forward. No the road ahead is not going be easy but one things for sure it will all be Worth it.
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