Hello Beautiful Ladies,
Ok so it’s one of those nights that I am up and am reflecting on my life. The year is coming to a close and Lord knows I am so happy to have seen and gone through all that I have. It has most definitely been a process and a lot of growing up. Now I told you in one of my blogs that I was going to take you on a journey pretty much of the events and things that life has been like in the last few months before my leaving LA. I can’t help but become sad at the thought of all the relationships that have ended that I thought would last forever. I had two very close friends out in LA and we were tight like glue until the idea of us living together came into play.
I struggled so badly in the friendships after becoming roommates. I guess it’s better to live apart than together cause if so maybe those relationships or friendships would have lasted. Well maybe not cause all that happened, happened just the way God intended for it too. So my last week before trying to drive to Colorado was crazy. Me and one the roommates decided we would trail each other because we were headed in the same direction but unfortunately on the road after 5 hours I got sleepy and had to stop to take a nap. She happened to leave and I felt alone so I just said ok I’m just gone turn around and drive back but this was after I had got a phone call from my mom crying and saying "why are you on that road by yourself? Go back, we will ship your car and just catch a flight to CO" so of course I obeyed this order cause I knew I wasn’t gone make it. Any who luckily the Lord placed another friend in my life and she has truly been a blessing to me. She was my safe haven and a getaway when I needed just some time to myself. I called her up and said “Hey, I’m headed back can I crash at your house til I fly out.” She said, “yes” and I was on my way back to LA. Never get discouraged if the Lord causes you to turn back because there is a blessing in the storm. Any who as I was sitting up one night at her house I couldn’t help but to start writing my emotions and feelings as I always do. This is what I wrote; notice the state of mind I was in. Ugh!!!
The way I have been feeling for the last few days or maybe even weeks is: confusion, in disarray, chaos, disorder, rejection, unloved, used, abused, neglected, frustration, scared, worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, and the list could go on and on but imma stop there. So why you ask all these negative emotions? All the negative emotions are due to people and the roles I want or have expected for them to play in my life. I always seem to put more on people than they have the capacity to give. Hell, truth be told, I put the same expectations on myself. When I think about it and when the dust settles and the smoke clears my biggest negative energy or force is me. No one else should be held accountable for my instability or for the fact that I want people to except me for me. I have to realize that not everyone is going to get or like me. I can’t continue to live life trying to please others while on the inside I’m dying a slow and painful death. Note to self: not everyone is that fond of you or your ways and not everyone will be but the key is to not get caught up in the emotion or feeling one may give off. Keep it moving!!!
So this was written out of my frustration and all the broken relationships that had happened around me. I felt so bad and just wanted things to go back to the way they were, but ultimately this wasn’t gone ever happen. My stint in LA was coming to a close and any possibility of any relationships being mended was nonexistent. I became frustrated at the idea of myself being to blame for everything that happened and caused things to go the way they did. I have always wanted people to like me and except me and I often gave my disclaimer that this is who I am, imma keep it real with you and it’s really on you if you decide to receive me or not. I thought that this was acceptable but I guess not because not everyone can accept what I give off. This was very disheartening and in the end I feel I was to blame for a lot of the down fall. But thanks be unto God who always causes me to triumph in him. I realize that it wasn’t all on me. I will accept the blame for my actions and things that I may have said or done. I am one that continuously struggles with my self-esteem and a lot of people may not know this about me because I’m always wearing this mask to hide my vulnerability, but I told someone a week ago that if only people could really see how I feel and what I go through on the inside they would be surprised. Mind battles are all I can say that they are. (Play Music and continue Reading)
The enemy will play some serious mind games with you that will make you feel or think that you are going crazy or on the verge of a breakdown. These are constant emotions I feel and it seems the closer I get to my destiny the more the enemy pushes me back and has me to question the very thing I want to encourage you ladies about and that is your self-worth. I pray that I can be a light that you see and can ultimately identify in yourself and get it right. I realize self-sabotage has been my friend for a very long time. Do any of you deal with this very thing? I want to challenge and encourage you to evaluate yourselves and let’s get it together, together. I have started back reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. I admonish you ladies to pick this book up and let’s work through these mind battles together, because we are all beautiful but we are flawed and we can each use some improvement. This will help us to get our minds right, refocus our thoughts and change our thinking and how we view ourselves. Not only can we start this New Year right with a renewed mind and heart, but also believing as well as knowing that we are Worth it!!!
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